And so seasons change…

I gave notice on my apartment today.

With a hefty dose of sadness and sorrow, but with enough peace and hope to know it’s right, I’ve decided what my “Next Steps” look like…or at least the next step. 

I found it difficult to begin this update, because in some ways so little has happened (thanks Covid!) while at the same time one can see that some pretty darn significant things have also happened…

After the slight “opening of Life” which happened over the summer and early Autumn, Germany went back into Lockdown (along with many other countries!) at the beginning of November.  With Lockdown came (again) the cancellation of my English classes at the community college although I somewhat cheekily continued to meet with my more advanced conversation group.  As it was a very small group (3 people and myself), all of whom were living in single or two person households, we felt able to monitor our “Abstand” (physical distancing) fairly well and agreed that we would only continue on a week by week basis, depending on our own sense in the midst of the ongoing developments  and wider regulations.  This was helpful both in helping maintain some finances in the run-up to Christmas, as well as helping to maintain even a minor routine or “rhythm” for myself. 

In November I decided I’d risk buying a flight to England for a visit, hoping to take advantage of the “Christmas Window” that was expected, to both visit my Aunt and cousins (while conveniently quarantining at The Cottage) and then to spend some time at Waverley Abbey with Jill & Kirk Weber, in hopes of gaining some clarity about the possibility of being involved there in future.

Unfortunately, due to the sudden development of the new “UK Variant” of Covid which began to take root in the UK, and the introduction of Tier 4 restrictions and closure of borders, I wasn’t able to get to England as I had planned.  As you can imagine this was fairly “gutting” (as the Brit’s say!) as in the midst of the “slog” of the Autumn and ongoing Covid-life adjustments, I had unconsciously been putting a LOT of weight into being able to “have a rest” at my Aunt’s, as well as “counting on” my visit to Waverley to sort out all the questions I’d felt I’d been carrying throughout 2020! 

The initial disappointment was pretty hefty and there was a few days when I wasn’t sure if I might still be able to go, with the accompanying questions of whether I should or shouldn’t - but I’m grateful to say that when the decision finally was taken out of my hands with the cancellation of the flight, I found myself with a deep sense of peace about it and, what’s more, a sense of peace and anticipation at the thought of “having a rest” here instead, with the opportunity to “take space” and see if I could finally get a “fix” on what 2021 might look like!

As I’ve written before, for most of 2020 I had felt a questioning about how much longer I might remain in Germany for and about what, what I call, my “Next Steps” might look like. It’s been something that I’ve felt God developing throughout the year, although it’s also been a somewhat “bumpy” process for me, personally.  Much of the time it felt like there were various possibilities available, but little clarity about which I should, or even wanted, to take!  The idea of leaving Germany felt very foreign, desperately sad, and seemingly unreasonable, but the other options continued to feel just as strange and uncertain, but with a sense that I couldn't just dismiss them!  I had been experiencing a strong desire to go back to Canada for a “proper” visit, but was unsure what that might mean or how to do that in the midst of Covid, and then I had also been experiencing a draw towards being involved with the young, 24-7 “Seed Community” development at Waverley Abbey, while still not feeling quite “done” with Germany yet, although also sensing a need for a “new contract” or “renewal of purpose” if I was to stay… 

Each option had their own possibilities and opportunities and joys and griefs, but I had been finding it difficult to “get a fix” on the “which or when or how” for any of them!  I felt as if I was going around in circles a bit, or playing a game of “Hot Potato” without knowing which “Potato” I would end up holding!  With the cancellation of the England trip I hoped instead to use the quiet time over Christmas week and New Year’s (both of which I celebrated wonderfully with the Zaddach family) to look back through and review the year to see if there were any “clues” there for the “way ahead”.

As I read through the various journals and remembered thoughts and impressions from prayer times and conversations, I did begin to recognise various patterns and emphases throughout the year and as I continued to pray and think it through, finally felt a bit of a “click”!  I suddenly felt as if the options weren’t an “either/or” equation but rather a “both/and” opportunity. 

So, although still with sadness, but also much anticipation, I’ve decided that I will be leaving Germany and the wonderful polylux Community.  My “Plan” (as much as is possible in the midst of Covid!) is to leave Germany towards the end of May and head to Canada, where I will stay for the summer with my Dad (and hopefully visiting the rest of my family and friends, Covid dependent!), before heading back to the UK where I hope to be able to become more involved with the development of the 24-7 “Motherhouse” project at Waverley Abbey, and being a part of the “Seed Community” there.

That all being said, the outworking of the process may be a wee bit more complicated than desired, due to quarantine and testing requirements, so we will see how it goes! 

For whatever reason, this is feeling like a bigger move than when I moved here from England, although that may just be because I have a household again and will have to look at clearing out furniture!  Most of my “shifts in location” before now have simply entailed a backpack and teddy bear, whereas I’m realising that I will have been hear nearly 5 years when I leave, and with that has come 5 years of accumulated belongings and “roots”.  Also, as I’m hoping to “segue” via Canada, it will also mean arranging storage for various things, so I might be asking people about their garage, shed or attic spaces in a few months! 

But ultimately, the decision does feel right.  It will be incredibly hard to leave this amazing community and neighbourhood, but I continue to hold onto the truth that we never really leave those we love, and this place and these wonderful friends have become another “home” for me on this earth!

I’m very happy to answer any questions people might have, so feel free to write, message or email me, and I’ll continue to “keep you all posted” as things develop!

Thank you, as always, for reading this far, and for continuing to “go with me on this journey”!  

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